Fear…and a whole lot of courage

Yeah, courage.  That’s what it takes.  Or at least that’s what it takes me.

I’ve got a shadow inside that raises it’s head regularly.  It says, “OMG what the hell have you got yourself into??”  Last night at 3:30am this shadow raised it’s head and woke me up with a thrill of adrenaline and panic.  There are 32 days left!” it said, and immediately started to spin out of control listing all of the countless tasks that still need to be done.  Round and round went my mind, whirling.

Then I remembered that my mind is dysfunctional.  It is a great tool, yes, but unable to lead me.  My heart is what leads.  The divine intelligence that runs through my life is what leads.  So, I started to repeat a mantra, “I trust in the divine.  I trust in the divine. I trust in the divine…”  I repeated this for over an hour in bed, slowly calming my mind, quieting my physiology.

Eventually I fell back to sleep, but today was a slog.  I was fussy and found it hard to connect.

Yet, it’s so important for me to take pride in these moments.  To say, “Good for you.  You moved through it.  You stood tall.  You kept the higher ground.  You didn’t fall into old patterns of overwhelm.”  It’s not about being perfect.  It’s not about getting it right, about being some image.  It’s about simply and authentically being me.  It’s about growing.  And without moving through the fear with as much courage as I can muster the bud cannot split open, the flower cannot unfurl.

On a deeply personal note, this extreme makeover for the Mustard Seed is a whole tree of flowers.  All aspects of my emotional body and psyche have been splitting open to allow for this flowering.  It’s been the most daunting, scary, inspiring, cool, radical, long, crazy, and most loving thing I have ever done.  Thank you to everyone whose been making this happen.  Without you, without your efforts, your belief, your passion, nothing would happen.  It wouldn’t matter how hard I work or what I did.  The success of this radical renovation lies firmly on the shoulders of community.  You and me and all of us.

PS Last year I did a speech about this.

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